What I come to understand (My struggles in Life, Faith and Sexuality)

My name is Jayna (not my real name) and I am a lesbian catholic.

For me, I grew up with devout Catholic parents who taught me more on love than hate. I am an only child and my existence is a constant struggle. When I came out to my parents 3 years ago (I was 19), I received mixed reactions. My father immediately embraced me as I cried in his arms. I couldn’t say the same about my mother. She looked at me dead in the eyes and I saw betrayal. She didn’t talk to me or as much as looking at me for an entire week. I begged in my heart and I prayed to Christ that she would still love me.

I knew I couldn’t ignore the longing feeling of her love and so I confronted her. We had a heated argument that caused a rift between us. That night, I left in tears and stayed with my aunt. Aunt A was more liberal than my mom. She considered herself a Catholic but the difference was, she acted the opposite of how my mother acted. My father allowed me to stay with her for a while, until my mother cooled down. We didn’t communicate for a month and I stayed at my aunt’s house.

Eventually we made up. She told me she would love me regardless of who I am and she came to understand that my feelings for women is something that I couldn’t change. We didn’t made up immediately, but at least I was able to talk to her again and she would show her love to me.

When I was in college, I befriended a fellow lesbian Catholic girl named Faye (not her real name). She was the kindest, sweetest and the funniest person I have ever met. I was in love with her and it scared me. I have dated a few guys before I came out and one of them was a long term relationship, but none of them made me felt so loved like Faye did. She made me complete and I truly felt like she was THE ONE for me. Faye invited me to church every week and I would look forward to it, not because I wanted to be close to her but because I was a firm Catholic. I prayed to Christ about my struggles and asked for his grace. In some nights, I would cried because no matter how much I wanted Faye by my side. We could never be married and have children as we are both aware the Sacrament of Marriage.

We became an official couple during my third year and it was the best and worst time of my life. I told my parents about it and it happened like how it was when I came out to them. My mother was disappointed. As I am an only child, she wanted me to have children even though I was a lesbian. My father invited Faye to join us for dinner. Well…it was awkward as f***.

Faye and I struggled to keep our faith at the same time becoming a lesbian couple. I admit that I have sinned countless times. I fell into sinning with her when we have sex. I do regret it and I confessed to the priest. I was surprised when he told me that being lesbian was okay, that it was how God intended me to be. Although, he called both of us to a life of celibacy. Now that was something I admit I couldn’t. It was hard for both of us to be celibates.

I came to the priest personally. I told him about my struggles and I didn’t miss a detail. As I expected, he didn’t judge me or scorn me. He told me that God recognized my love for Faye and our relationship. He told me that no one could force us to celibate but we must know that it is wrong, therefore we must confessed every time we did it. He recommended us to go to a gay catholic group that I didn’t knew existed within the community. I was so afraid that people would scorn us, I barely talked to the church members. Faye and I attended the group and we were overwhelmed with the amount of support and love we got from Catholics of all sexual orientation. We attended the group every week after mass from then on.

The group emphasized heavily on self embrace and celibacy. Some, like us, struggle with it while some were comfortable with it. I wished I had the same will power as the true celibates but I guess they too have their own struggles. It was through them, I felt welcomed and also my relation with Faye as a couple.

In conclusion, I came to understand that being a lesbian and a catholic is a great challenge. Sometimes, we consummate and we sinned. It was our choice to give in to our lust but we love Jesus our God. We are strong believers of the Nicene creed. To us, the doctrine was important, but to accept the love of Jesus in our lives as our Savior. We do go for confession every month and our life is like a cycle now. We sinned and we confessed. We think about getting civil partnership since the country allows it now. I know our marriage won’t be recognized in God’s eyes but our will be recognized. We even thought about adopting a child but not from a Christian adoption agencies since they wouldn’t allow it. Some may not approve of it but God will see the love we will give the child.

I know some of you reading this will not approve of our lifestyle and I am not forcing you. Some may not approve of our lifestyle but God see the love between us and that is what is most important. I came here to share our life story. We are not perfect, we are sinners but we believe in Jesus Christ and the Catholic church and we believe in love.

(The names above including mine are not real. It is to protect our identity)

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One Response to What I come to understand (My struggles in Life, Faith and Sexuality)

  1. Logan says:

    I suggest looking at desire of the everlasting hills movie

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