Trapped in a Cage

By Michael

I have known my same sex attraction since I was in secondary school, I remember one day in school telling someone “I love you”, he took it well but then said “you’ll get out of it”. I’m 23 and I never got out of it.

I was never popular in school, I was bullied a lot. I remained a quiet person right up to this day. I was born and raised as a Catholic, for a period I went through a phase of being an Agnostic but came back to the church during my first year at university.

Throughout these years I have constantly been struggling to accept myself as gay. I never told anyone else about it with being grown up in a very conservative environment. My Mother said there are two things she doesn’t want me to be, the first being gay and the second being a priest, the ironic thing is that she is no longer a practicing Catholic and I never told her that I am gay.

Throughout college I began to experiment more with my sexuality with other men via on-line dating , I thought it would help but did completely the opposite, I never told anyone else of this publicly. I hated myself for it, it felt as if there was something inside controlling me, I couldn’t look myself in the mirror for the feeling of shame of being gay. I felt as if I was drifting away from the people I care about. To this day I feel alone as I don’t know anybody else going through the same issues as me. The only way I felt to stop this feeling was to drink, it was the only way I could feel comfortable looking at myself.

I put off going to confession for a while because I thought that the priest doing the confessions would outright kick me out. Eventually I did go to confession and by this time I was next to tears, when I was in, I had a breakdown, I never lied to a priest and I refuse to. The next thing I know the priest didn’t shout, didn’t kick me out, I won’t break the seal of confession so the details are left out. After confession he took me to one side, for the first time in my life I felt accepted, I rediscovered God’s love, the priest explained to me that I’m not alone and what I did was incredibly brave. From then on, I didn’t fear talking to a priest and I understand that being gay is not a sin, it’s how God made me.

The problem being now is that I still feel the fear. The other part of me was still there, now every time I masturbate or have any kind of sexual contact with another man I will always go to confession as soon as I can. It’s a heavy cross to bear and most of the time I feel as if I can’t bear it. As much as I feel accepted in the Catholic Church, I feel isolated everywhere else, I feel as if I can’t tell anyone outside who I am. Most times I think back at the mistakes I made and think of myself as a monster, a Jekyll and Hyde character. A lot of people I know treat same sex attractions as some sort of disease. The only people I feel comforted to talk to these days are the Clergy and I know they are busy people so I treasure every moment I can with them. They know that I am a good person, but I am waging a war against myself and my faith.

A metaphor I thought of is an image of a small, young bird trapped in a cage in a dark room, I just need to find the light to get me home.

This entry was posted in Our Stories. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Trapped in a Cage

  1. Patricia Rocco says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am not gay but I have, since my teens ( I am now 59), been an advocate for LGBT rights. I have a background in the theatre arts, so during most of my young life was spent with gay men as teachers and colleagues. I married a bisexual man.
    I am also a devote Catholic and it truly grieves me that gay Catholics suffer. This past week I was in New York, staying with a friend of my husband’s. She was brought Catholic but has rejected the Catholic faith. I was subjected to a blistering attack because of my belief. Many things had been said or intimated during the visit that had me a bit on edge, so when she challenged me, I made every effort to appeal to reason. Many gay Catholics I know hate the Catholic Church, possibly because of or in response to the rejection. This is understandable on a human level. The anger and hatred though suggests that there remains unfinished business or baggage. They are still wounded by this rejection. I believe that a better understanding of Catholicism and Catholic history would assuage their anger and bring some measure of healing.
    I just wanted to tell you what you must already know – that God loves you so much. Following the Catholic way of thinking, your suffering is the result of others’ sins. He made you gay, and it is his will that you in your mortal life should be a gay man. We are not supposed to go out of our way to suffer – that would be masochistic. I can tell you though, when my husband’s friend was attacking me, I never felt closer to God and more protected. It was one of the most interior experiences that I have had of late.
    I hope for her sake, that she finds some peace. I wish peace and many blessings on you my brother.

    Pat

  2. Anthony says:

    Ignore pats advice. God never made u a gay. Its just an aberration. You will definetly defeat this crosses in Jesus name. Amen

    • Kris says:

      You are just stupid

    • Mike says:

      Anthony

      If sin and homosexuality are more powerful than God and God never wanted you to be gay yet it exists despite Him, that mean Sin and Homosexuality are more powerful than God. If this is the case then is God worth worshiping?

      Something to consider.

      • John says:

        Mike, what you said is not a valid statement. Our Lord allows evil to happen all the time. That does not mean the evil is stronger than Him. Pat’s advice is not how we should act as Catholics. Whether or not we carry our cross is our choice. It’s easy to reject it, and fall into terrible sin. God wants us to love him and He gives us the choice to choose to do so or to not. We all have temptations and the choice to give in or not. Which one will show God that we love Him?

  3. gentleman says:

    Be who you are, remember that god loves you no matter what!!! Just keep praying 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *