The last 6 years

By Robert

Currently 28, I was raised Catholic, was in the choir at church and always helped in various ministries there.   When I was 22, about 6 years ago; in college I was sitting in on a bible study outside on the lawn. A most angelic voice asked a question, when I saw whom the voice belonged to, a feminine guy, I was confused because up to then I was convinced I was straight. I buried the experience and told myself it was nothing. But as time passed a growing hunger for guys developed in me. When I was 24 I joined a writing club on campus our president was gay, that was really my first interaction with someone that was openly gay, had a pleasant friendship with him but I never revealed how I felt. Two years ago, I tested the water with my siblings to see where they stood on homosexuality and it didn’t end well. I still attended church, went on faith retreats, still sang in choir, because what is singing but praying twice. Then I got lonely, because I didn’t feel God was listening, so I sought comfort and reached to guys online had a couple dates but it all felt wrong so I closed up and cut main ties at church. Then a young adult group formed and I met a girl, and a relationship bloom it became romantic. But everyday with her I was always afraid, “what if I guy came along and I fell for him”, that didn’t happen, what did happen was she cheated on me. That was it, I had lost faith in things ever going right for me, felt that same way when my dad passed away when I was 22. I pulled the rest of my ties to the church, no more choir, no more knights of Columbus, just no more. About 8 months after my girlfriend, I was seriously considering ending my life. Then one night I reconnected with a friend of two years, he had gone through the same with his girlfriend. As our talking continued, it formed into something more and now for the last three months we have been in a committed relationship. In our hardship we have found each other. I’m happy, he’s happy. I consider myself a Cafeteria Catholic, so I’m pick what I wish to subscribe to, yes not the right way, but it’s the way I’ve chosen. I’m singing again, I’m attending church again, I’ve reconnected with those I cut ties with they also know about me and they are accepting. I believe in same-sex unions even if the church doesn’t see it as valid or an institute for family. The Catholic Church is man made, the pope is just a man, priests are just men, and I will not stand to believe that my love is wrong. I live freely. Amen.

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5 Responses to The last 6 years

  1. mike says:

    You have decided to be your own pope and have your own church.What can one say?Surely the Bible and the Magesterium must be wrong then.Pray , Brother.

  2. mike lawson says:

    You are now your own pope .Having rejected the Bible and 2014 years of the Magesterium, there is not much left to say.Pray, Brother,I shall pray for you too.

  3. Eric says:

    Its 2:14 in the morning. And I finished a bottle of red wine (pinot noir). So, Ill be short- because otherwise I will find myself in 2 hours, 5,000 words later still venting. This was inspiring. I grew up Catholic. 12 years of Catholic school. Altar server. Read scripture at mass. Then, boom. I realized I am not 100% straight. I realized that I criticized the gay community and individuals throughout life- and also realized that I was sort of inherently raised that way by my own community, parish, and surroundings. I stopped going to church gradually in college. My parents go every Sunday. When I do attend, I feel good about myself, and intouch with God through prayer. However, the entire notion of Catholic religion and the ignorance present, along with the numerous scandals that are so diligently covered up and kept quiet… I just cannot support them. I have never heard of the notion “cafeteria catholic”, yet upon reading your post- that is me to the fullest extent. Who knows- we may all be morons, and there may be no such thing as God. I still believe in God and have faith- however I truly believe that if you are a good person, are kind, appreciate the beauty of life, and are one of integrity.. that you will make it to heaven no matter what religion, sexual preference, or race you are. God loves all of us, right? Anyway, thanks!

    • Robert says:

      Hello Eric,

      Your words give me faith, there are indeed more of us out there in the world that feel as us; I’ve come to realize it’s between God and us individually. I love my boyfriend completely, but I can’t stand completely behind the Catholic church because it doesn’t recognize us. Or it does to a point but tells us we must deny ourselves. God is love, we are called to love each other; I’m just furthering that love and extending it to another as Christ showed us to be loving to lift each other up. So it’s not the aspect of love that the church sees as wrong, it’s the “who”, I love that is wrong. Maybe the, “love is blind”, quote is secular but love is love, and should not be prohibited in any form. Thank you Eric for standing with me.

  4. Joe Townley says:

    I felt the same as you and left my wife of 35 years and came out of the locked closet ran away with a 23yo, I was age 60 and we lived a monagamous life style for 12 years. I could not get enough sex but there was something missing in our loving relationship. I could not put my finger on it. I wanted to get back to my faith. I was looking through the candy store window and wanted to get back to the sacraments. I talked to many Deacons and a few priests, mostly to the right of Attila the Hun. I finally found Courage and a group that helped me come home at age 75. I am now back with my wife and family for 3 years living a celibate life still carrying the cross of SSA. God Bless, Joe

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