The Closet Amidst

My name is not actually Jonius. I just turned 16 and I’m a die-hard Catholic; I mean I am in a progress of learning the Catechism of the Catholic Church and currently claiming myself as a growing Catholic Faith Defender. I regularly attend Sunday mass almost thrice that day. I’m not a Marian devotee, but I do focus in defending the Church from any false attacks from Protestants and non-Catholics alike.

Regarding to the church’s stand about homosexuality, I know so much that the Church may have now welcomed people of LGBT however she still strongly contradicts gay marriage and under no circumstances may it be confirmed. I’m a closeted bisexual, but I am not in contradiction to the church’s stand about homosexuality/bisexuality. I had already 3 girl friends before but never had one guy partner, ever since. But I always feel this worry, fear that people might know about my real identity. Yes I fell in love with guys before and until now, and I got so addicted to them. But there’s this voice, an out-of-nowhere thought that tells me something is greater than having a relationship with the same sex.

On the outside, I do really look straight, straight as what heterosexuals actually look. But I do have a lot of friends who are female than friends who are male. I often do hangouts with a few guys but mostly, I spend my time walking out and having a convo with females. I actually have this attitude, this behavior when I talk. I may look like straight but I talk like a girl. I mean not the sound, but the way a typical, crazy hyper girl talks. I know it doesn’t matter but it seems that I already had adapted their nature, a woman’s nature. They talk about boys, and of course to not get out of place, I just go with them and also share what I also think and “like” about boys. Not to blame the girls but I hypothesize maybe this is one of the influencing factors that made me what I am today.

My family is Catholicism-powered. They are completely attached to the Church and to Christ’s teachings as well. My family doesn’t know or is silent about my sexuality. My dad who serves as my example of a Catholic defender, neither doesn’t want to talk about it. Among the siblings, I am, as to claim, the most hyper one. The social butterfly. An explorer. A discoverer. Or just imagine a kid who has ADHD. I always wanted to tell them but I know God has rested the right time for it. Currently, I am thinking what their reactions will be, but I know I can handle it no matter how crucial it hurts.

So to sum up my story, I am a 16-year-old closeted bisexual aspiring to become a seminarian next year who studies the teachings of Christ and of the Church. I grew up in a Catholic family who is active to any ecclesiastical activities. Since I feel so lonely these days, I yearn to have a short-term but serious relationship with a guy, for the first time. But conscience won’t let me do it even though I am this “attractive” according to my friends. I’m still striving hard to resist the temptation to fall in love with a guy, and I pray God’s Holy Spirit to guide me well in this clash between “what feels good” and “what is right”.

GOD hates the SIN, not the SINNER. You are loved by GOD, just listen to His Words and follow His commandments. God bless!

This entry was posted in Our Stories. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to The Closet Amidst

  1. Stiofan says:

    Please be true to your REAL self. St Thomas Aquinas said that one cannot act against one’s (God-given) nature. It is, he maintained, immoral to be other than your own natural law. Please do not sublimate who you are or enter a seminary to do this…that all not work for you. The gospel truth may guide you in prayer as to who you are in your own depth. This will liberate you. Trust radically that YOU are loved as YOU ARE!

    • John S says:

      Yes, St. Thomas Aquinas did talk about the natural law. Note though that acting against one’s nature, would be to act upon homosexual desires, not the other way around. Committing a homosexual act is betraying the natural law inscribed on our hearts. It is completely UNNATURAL. St Thomas himself refers to these actions as “unnatural sexual acts” in the Summa.

  2. Logan says:

    When you say be yourself, God is the one who knows who we really are, but sometimes do not know who we are. Jonius, find the person God made you to be. Do not be define by homosexual attractions, you are so much more. It is a cross to bear, but you are carrying that cross with Jesus.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *