I’ve known I was gay for quite some time. I’ve always had little daydream fantasies of some handsome man holding me close (mind you, as a kid, I knew nothing of the world of sex– this was pure physical attraction). Perhaps some would say that I needed a strong father figure when I was young, and that is why I am attracted to men (responsible, mature, pretty much typical fatherly men). I do now know nor do I care if that statement is correct. All I know is that I am who I am, and there is nothing short of lying to myself that I can do to change it.
Now, I’m still “in the closet” because I both fear the loss of my friends who are blessed with heterosexuality to the effect that they cannot empathize with my condition, and I don’t want to stir the waters in my family, to ruin our close bond. I know my family would eventually be accepting, but I don’t want to become estranged from them– I know that our relationship will never be the same post-revelation. I guess bottom-line is that I’m scared of change, and I’m too comfortable with the now.
But I promised myself that I would not hide in the shadows forever. I promised myself that if I found someone who loved me the way I will love them, I will face the world’s wrath and hatred to be with them.
The one thing I do fear is separation from the Church that I devote myself to entirely. I love the Church. It is infinite in its mysteries of love and compassion and faith. It is a repository for every good thing that humans are capable of. For to be all we were meant to be, we must be Christ-like in our lives; we must be servant leaders, putting others before ourselves; we must keep our eyes towards heaven even whilst being whipped and crushed by our individual crosses; lastly, and most importantly, we must love as fully and wholly as Jesus did. For love is the human manifestation of God’s will. Our love for God, our love for our family, our love for our friends, and our love for our significant other is the way God works through us humans. When our love is unconditional, when it is real love– not lust– it serves only to make us grow closer to those around us. When we center our lives around Christ– as we are called to do– we bring His light and comfort to those we are bonded to.
This view of mine had been developed over the course of many bible studies, many passages in scripture, and many acts of the holy saints. Thus, this is what I believe:
I think that we as homosexuals are no different than heterosexuals in that we have the same capacity to love. We are NOT worse than heterosexuals because we love the same gender. And (here’s where some may get uneasy) we are NOT wrong in our romantic love for someone of the same sex. In fact, my love for a guy is the same as my love would be for a girl had I been a heterosexual. It is the ACTIONS that set us apart; A heterosexual person is, just like we are, forbidden to have premarital sex. They are forbidden to lust after someone just as we are forbidden to lust after someone of the same sex. Unfortunately, sexual lustfulness is almost synonymous with being ‘gay’. It’s terrible, and it’s something that needs to go away. Because it is possible to be a man following God and being chaste in both body and thought, while he loves another man. If I keep away from lust, keep away from sex, why is it wrong to love another guy?
That is the fundamental question, and I believe that the Catholic Church’s teaching is in line with it: Lust is still a sin, premarital sex is still a sin, but love for another human, be it a guy or a girl… That is no sin. That is Grace.
That is all I want. I just want to love somebody romantically. I want to live life with one man by my side, with someone I can share that soaring, bubbling feeling in my heart with. Someone that I can sleep under a warm blanket with on cold nights. Someone I can talk to about anything, who I can laugh with, who I can pray with and go to church with. Someone who will share my short time on this Earth with. I want to love their smile, the way they smell (lol), the funny quirks that makes him human.
I guess in this way, you can know if it’s real love or not; If you love them with everything and can confidently say that you will give up sex just to be with them, I think that you should be allowed to love them regardless of gender. While we may never be married, I don’t find any regret in that consequence– If marriage is the union between a man and a woman for the creation of a family, then why do I desire it? I want to raise a family, but we can just adopt a child and give them a chance at a life they would never have known in an orphanage.
So yes. I am gay. I am human, and so I will fall repeatedly to sin, especially to lust (which everyone does really). But it is not because I am gay that I am a sinner. All I want is to love someone freely, and be loved back. To go through life with a best friend, and hopefully, enter the Kingdom of Heaven with him at my side.