I’m f**ked up

By Jose

I’m 23 years old and since I have a memory I’ve been attracted to boys not to girls, I’ve been in love with girls but only men can turn up my sexuality, its really sad because i don’t understand why. I’m a very catholic men and i just don’t understand it, i just don’t wanna be gay. This had turned me in a grey person, Ive been admitted in a mental illness clinic cuz i just don’t wanna live if I’m gay. This is my story.

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7 Responses to I’m f**ked up

  1. Neto says:

    Mi amigo,
    Do not feel bad about yourself. I have had same sex attractions as far back as I can remember. I am now 55 years old and still struggle with it. I, however, now embrace it rather than fight it. I have lived a chaste life…not by choice, but because of my strong family and religious convictions. From the heart, speaking as a grown man, I do not feel that what we feel is wrong. It is part of who we are. We are one of God’s creations and must be thankful. Whatever choices you make for your life, just make sure that in the end you are happy. Don’t worry about your feelings. Embrace them and celebrate them. Take it from one who has concealed and fought these feelings for most of my life. It is not worth it. Accept it, celebrate it, and move on with your life. Scared as you may be, your family will accept you for who you are. And God, well he already knows you better than you know yourself. Best of luck Buddy.

    • AT333 says:

      I feel exactly the same way as you do, Neto. Thanks for the enlightenment.

      • Fr. Tom says:

        Jose, by brother, God loves you as you are. God creates all kinds of different people including millions of gay people (actually it’s probably getting close to a billion gay people now). God is Love, so God can only love, because that’s who God is. So of course God loves you.
        I have been a priest since before you were born and I can tell you that most people have something about themselves they hate and can’t do anything to change. It seems to me this is what St Paul was talking about when he prayed for the thorn in his side to be taken away. It wasn’t an actual physical thorn, but something he hated about himself that he could not get change. God said, “My Grace is enough for you.” (2Cor 7-9)
        Relax, be who God created you to be. And remember, Jesus said nothing about gay and lesbian people. If it was a big issue, Jesus might have at least mentioned it.
        I could go on and on, but I will close by recommending that you read the 4 Gospels as often as you can. Know that God is Love, whatever is not love is not of God, whatever is love is of God.

  2. James says:

    Hello Jose. I’m catholic and gay too. Been through hell and back. Stayed at 15 mental hospitals in 10 years! But God got me through all things. You just have to go back to your faith and read some of the Catholic classics like The Imitation of Christ for support. They’re great reads by saints!! You’ll make it through. Go to the chapel and pray daily and draw closer to our Lord and his mother and you’ll be in great hands!!

    • Jeff says:

      Bro, this is the best response I’ve heard! Thank you! I’ve been kind of depressed some of the other responses to these stories, but yours is great.

  3. Joe says:

    I’m fighting this everyday now. As a man that married what he thought was his first love and has had 23 years of marriage, I’m more confused now than ever. I pray for forgiveness everyday. I recently came out to my wife who of course was beside herself. I found it harder and harder to hide anymore.

    Now I’m not sure. My friends who are gay have left me. I cry in church because I feel I have made the wrong choices. I wonder if God will forgive me. And yet I know I can’t change. I came across this site looking for answers and the only good part is I know there are others out there like me.

    But I must wonder, is it wrong? Because it is certainly not anything I would have chosen to do. I love Jesus and to think I continually sin against him because I’m gay crushes me. But hiding it and pretending I’m something I’m not hurts me even more. I’m at a crossroads in my life and honestly I don’t know whether God wants me to go back to putting it away or being open and free. Both come with pain. As hard as I pray for guidance I feel I’m committing sin because I’m lying against God or myself. I’m curious if others have been able to come to some sort of acceptance within their own soul.

  4. Notlikely says:

    My situation is similar.I tried to be straight, then bi but I am not.I never chose to be attracted to men and was unaware that what I felt and did was a sexual development. For years I have been celibate but it does not work. Nor did marriage, nor decades of therapy, Last week I finally gave in because I realized I cannot win. I was on the way to becoming a physical wreck too because I have lost a lot of weight due to the stress. How can I sincerely regret giving in to my emotional-cum-sexual needs in order not to hate life, hate others, hate God?The causes of homosexuality are disputed and unknown. This is my case. In was hungry from the start because my mother’s breast milk was deficient in nutrition.My father hated me and my life-dseploring mother used us and manipulated me in her battle against him and overstepped the border between motherhood and womanhood causing me to feel revulsion for women.Anyone forced to wash his mother’s breasts would do so.My father told me I would be condemned for rape because of my strong will. My mother alluded to me father as a sexual monster and gave a most warning picture of masculinity. She let us know that she protected us from him but we did not appreciate It took me ages to understand her part in the situation in their home and my siblings still regard her as angelic. My father’s mother made me terrified of everything that could scare a child into obedience, Consequently I was regarded by peers as a mollycoddled sissy tied to my mother’s apron strings. I thought I must be adopted. Many times I did not want to live. I felt abandoned. I left my parents’ home -it was never my home- when I was 18 and emigrated when I was 21. Things came to a head and I attempted suicide. The longer you put off accepting yourself the more difficult it becomes. To find someone late in life you will probably have to violate all your principles and what chance will you have if you dare not look the club people in the eye? Last week was very late in life and I had come to the stage where I felt that I did not care. If God wants to spit me out He is free to do so and I acknowledge that whatever He does is good and His right.Regardless that I cannot regard it as deserved I throw myself on His mercy. I cannot live openly but to those whom I thought I might be able to trust I said, “Hell during this life, or hell after it, is there so much of a difference?” However I have experienced that God chooses to be wherever He finds us and that He turns everything negative into something positive. As I have developed I find I have to admit that God is loving no matter how much events look like a direct contradiction of that. My plan was to find a little relief. Instead of a meeting during which I had to be careful what I said in order not to jeopardize the body contact I was there for I found myself gradually experiencing complete emotional satisfaction from someone who is willing to continue a relationship with me and I am aware that I desperately need that .Before I had all my emotions tightly locked up and safe. Now I find myself at their mercy because this was something never experienced before, something I yearned for but tried my best to conceal for fear of rejection. So I am simultaneously most happy and absolutely terrified but also feel more love for God that ever before. Very late in life I have started a new life and I am greedy for life. Both my parents’ families are most anti-Catholic as was I.It was a long way to go. Deo gratias.

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