I’m Afraid

By Andrew:

Well since i was like 12 (im 14 now) i started to masturbate with gay porn, i know its wrong and its a mortal sin but i’ve been in the border of depression and that kinda helps me in a way. I am a devout Catholic and i love the church but when it comes to my sexual preferences i feel like and idiot because i think God would be disappointed of me.

I want to be different…

im afraid

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11 Responses to I’m Afraid

  1. June says:

    Hey Andrew. Sounds like you’ve been dealing with a lot lately. First please know that God loves you. You’re not an idiot for being gay. A few things. To start, for a sin to be a mortal sin, you have to freely choose to commit the act. Things such as habit and mental health can reduce our freedom to choose to commit the act and reduce our responsibility for it. Since I don’t know the fullness of your situation I would recommend talking to a compassionate priest in the privacy of confession to help you determine if the sins are mortal or not (due to possible reduced responsibility) and more importantly give you absolution, guidance and a human face to remind you of God’s love. Second, I would recommend checking out the gay Christian network to find a community who understands your situation and can help you so you don’t have to go it alone. Also Melinda Selmys is a great blogger who talks about the issues of Catholic gay and lesbians. You may want to read some of her posts. Finally, I’d like to direct you to the BoysTown website. You can call/chat with a trained professional anonymously and they may be able to listen to you if you need to talk to someone about your depression. Anyways, sorry for the long post. I will keep you in my prayers. Much love.

  2. Justice says:

    God will never, ever be disappointed in you, Andrew! He does not share the human emotions as we know them. Only humans pass the judgement we know so well, spoken to us as “God’s word”.

    Live a just and good life. Use your mind and body to only better yourself. Respect your mind and your body, just as anyone (gay or straight) is expected to do in this life, and let God guide you in every step of your way.

    People may not like who you are – who cares!?… remind them that we are all made in Gods Image, and non are to pass judgement on another.

    Be differrent – Love yourself for who you are, and not for what everyone wants you to be.

  3. Nathan Greenup says:

    I understand you, I’m 17 now and I’ve been doing it since I was 13. I have a girlfriend, but deep down even I believe I’m only with her to cover up my addiction.

  4. Alex says:

    Andrew,

    Please do not be afraid. I’m not sure when/if you’ll see this, but if you do, please know that God knows you. He really knows you, and he loves you. That’s the beautiful thing about God. He knows you, He sees who you are, and He loves you all the same. It’s an unconditional love that knows no bounds, and whatever you do God still loves you!

    I’m sure you can find a lot of answers for why pornography is not exactly a great choice for a young man to look at it. It gives you unrealistic expectations, it reveals an act between two people that is supposed to be intimate, and it objectifies the people in the video for the pleasure of the person watching. Porn is not good for you, for relationships you may one day have, or for your soul.

    That being said, here’s the thing. Porn is everywhere and it’s easy to see, and it is incredibly hard (and takes a lot of self-control) to stay away from it. So please know that I am here sharing this with you as someone who knows where you are coming from and understands giving into your desires. You are hardly the first person, nor the millionth, nor the billionth (most likely) to fall into the temptation of viewing porn. Sin has a way of making us feel isolated and alone in our struggle, and you should know that viewing any type of porn is a sin. But it is also a struggle that many people share. It’s not just you. Go to confession and confess this sin. I know that might sound really scary, but this doesn’t have to weigh you down anymore. Confession is there to show you that God forgives you, and He loves you.

    Please don’t wish that you are different. God sees who you are and He loves you so much. No matter what happens, please know that. Love who you are.

    You don’t need to be afraid, Andrew. You are on the edge of some very big changes and questions in your life, given your age, but you don’t need to know all the answers right now. Focus on making good choices; choices that help you focus on God in your life. Have some patience, and know that you are loved. 🙂

  5. Anthony says:

    OH my. This is so relateable. I feel exactly the same. I can endure without masturbating for about 2.5-3 weeks and then… So that’s why I go to confession every 3-4 weeks, and I try my best not to do it, but I fail regularly after 2.5-3 weeks without masturbating. You need to realise that God will forgive you if you truly repent. Both of us must try not to do it for as long as possible. Of course, we are humans, sinful by our nature, and it is normal if you fail in ‘not doing it’, as long as you do your best and beg Him for forgiveness. I hope you understand me, because English isn’t my first language.

  6. Geoff says:

    Dear Andrew,

    I completely understand where you are coming from.

    The first thing you must understand is that your orientation is not a “preference”. It’s part of who you are. It’s something that will manifest itself in all kinds of ways throughout your life. It’s important to accept it as such because only then can you decide how you are going to respond to it.

    Because it is a part of who you are, how you were created, the next step is to recognize that God cannot possibly be disappointed with you because you may be gay, bi or straight. None of those categories bear any moral content at all; they merely describe objective reality. What would disappoint God would be for you to despise His handiwork, namely yourself. What would also disappoint God would be for you to misuse your sexuality.

    It’s very common to do the kinds of things that you are doing. Lots of men, of all orientations, will use masturbation and porn to make themselves feel better. You will probably find that people use all kinds of things, not just sex, to makes themselves feel better: alcohol, drugs, money, material things, food.

    I suggest that what you are discovering is that, while those things may make you feel a little bit better in the short term, the pleasure you get doesn’t last. So you have to keep going back again and again to get that pleasurable feeling. Worse, the more you do it, the less effective it becomes.

    Your suffering and struggles right now are very real. I understand how difficult struggling with being gay can be. It’s tempting to think that if only we could change our orientation, then everything would be so much easier. It’s not true; everybody, gay or straight, has their cross to bear. But that doesn’t really make your suffering any less.

    Just remember you do not suffer alone. Christ bore His suffering for us all, and sees what you are going through and will walk alongside you through it all. And, as much as we can, others will help you bear your burden. You may feel very lonely at times, but there are lots of people out there who have been there too and rejoice in the opportunity to help you as they were helped themselves.

  7. Robert Vida III says:

    Honestly, don’t even stress dude. I jerk off to seriously hardcore gay porn and I feel pretty bad sometimes. However, I know that at the end of the day God still loves me for who I am regardless of how much I masturbate to homosexuals.

  8. Matthew says:

    Your struggle with your sexuality is real. Take up your cross deny yourself of things that leads you to spiritual suicide. Lose your life for His sake and you will find live in Christ. The struggle is daily, and could be a lifetime work.
    Take courage.

  9. Elena says:

    Sweetie – being gay is not difficult – the difficulty is with a society that can’t deal with it. God made you perfect – there will only be one you and it’s your job is to be the best you and give as much as you can. And God made you gay. Just so you know – I’m about to leave my husband of 37 years. I believe he’s been in a Catholic straight jacket for his entire life and can’t come out. Please be brave and be true to yourself. Otherwise you might inadvertently hurt a lot of people. By being true to yourself, you will bring light to the world. Jesus was all accepting. It’s the Church that’s been exclusive – and it’s wrong.

  10. Joe says:

    You poor thing
    You are only fourteen and have been exposed to so many things at such a young age
    You are only just starting on your journey and being made miserable by such things.

    You do do not deserve it or need it, give yourself a break , maybe start saying a a few quiet simple prayers, the fact that you have posted means you are being called.
    He loves you deeply so much in fact that he died in agony on the cross which is as much as anyone could do.
    Do you know anyone who needs your help or can benefit from your prayers ,as your prayers will be very effective, and Always trust in his mother, ask for her protection
    She never ignores humble prayer.
    Please will you also pray for me and my family
    Many thanks
    Joe

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