I’m Andrew and I have accepted this heavy cross I have been given. I became Catholic out of own free will in fifth grade before realizing that I was gay. I loved the Church and everything about her. In sixth grade things started to change and I felt attracted to my friends. They were boys. I brushed it aside and pretended it was something else. In junior high I started watching gay porn and it soon became an addiction that I’m still battling today. In high school I realized I was gay but I didn’t tell no one. My friends knew I was very religious and didn’t say anything about be not checking our girls. My religiosity also explained why didn’t date any girls. It was hard but I got through high school. My addiction to gay porn and got worse and it became I daily habit. I would go to confession weekly but the next day I would still watch porn and masturbate. I would feel so dirty and realized that what I was doing was wrong. I tried stopping many times but I kept coming back for more. I knew that the Church calls us to celibacy but that was a hard choice. I would never have that special someone. I got depressed but I still loved my Church. My love for her got stronger than ever before.
On September 13, 2014 I started question God about why he made me gay. I was angry and sad. Why? Why didn’t I like girls? Why must I carry such a heavy and painful cross? Is tarted crying in front of my religious images and just wanted my life to end. I had to go Mass later that evening so I put myself together and went with a heavy heart. I’m an altar server at my parish and I noticed the sanctuary was clothed in red. I asked the sacristan why and she told me it was the Feast of the Holy Cross. I didn’t think much about it and introduced myself to the visiting priest who was going to celebrate the liturgy. Once Mass started I realized that all of the readings were about the Cross and it made me feel a bit uneasy. After the Gospel, the priest gave his homily and it hit me so hard that I started tearing up. He told us that we can not call ourselves disciples of Christ until we accepted our cross. It was going to be painful and excruciating but he told us that it was all worth it because was had Christ by our side. He told us not to deny our cross but to embrace it just like how the Virgin embraced the spear that went through her heart when Christ was crucified. After Mass I went to see father and cried like a baby and told him I had accepted my cross. I’m gay and I have decided to be celibate. Today is a new day and a new day in my life.
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