I have accepted my Cross

I’m Andrew and I have accepted this heavy cross I have been given. I became Catholic out of own free will in fifth grade before realizing that I was gay. I loved the Church and everything about her. In sixth grade things started to change and I felt attracted to my friends. They were boys. I brushed it aside and pretended it was something else. In junior high I started watching gay porn and it soon became an addiction that I’m still battling today. In high school I realized I was gay but I didn’t tell no one. My friends knew I was very religious and didn’t say anything about be not checking our girls. My religiosity also explained why didn’t date any girls. It was hard but I got through high school. My addiction to gay porn and got worse and it became I daily habit. I would go to confession weekly but the next day I would still watch porn and masturbate. I would feel so dirty and realized that what I was doing was wrong. I tried stopping many times but I kept coming back for more. I knew that the Church calls us to celibacy but that was a hard choice. I would never have that special someone. I got depressed but I still loved my Church. My love for her got stronger than ever before.
On September 13, 2014 I started question God about why he made me gay. I was angry and sad. Why? Why didn’t I like girls? Why must I carry such a heavy and painful cross? Is tarted crying in front of my religious images and just wanted my life to end. I had to go Mass later that evening so I put myself together and went with a heavy heart. I’m an altar server at my parish and I noticed the sanctuary was clothed in red. I asked the sacristan why and she told me it was the Feast of the Holy Cross. I didn’t think much about it and introduced myself to the visiting priest who was going to celebrate the liturgy. Once Mass started I realized that all of the readings were about the Cross and it made me feel a bit uneasy. After the Gospel, the priest gave his homily and it hit me so hard that I started tearing up. He told us that we can not call ourselves disciples of Christ until we accepted our cross. It was going to be painful and excruciating but he told us that it was all worth it because was had Christ by our side. He told us not to deny our cross but to embrace it just like how the Virgin embraced the spear that went through her heart when Christ was crucified. After Mass I went to see father and cried like a baby and told him I had accepted my cross. I’m gay and I have decided to be celibate. Today is a new day and a new day in my life.

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11 Responses to I have accepted my Cross

  1. James says:

    Joe, it’s been hard lately for me to accept the cross. But I have to. It’s day to day. Don’t look far ahead – except to eternity and heaven (or hell)!

  2. Joseph says:

    Brother, I feel almost exactly the same way. May God give you peace and rest for your weary heart.

  3. Jake says:

    Your story gave me hope. I am so so similar to you. Thank you for sharing, Andrew.

  4. Breno says:

    Joe, I get you. I found out at an early age that I was gay too. Despite of it, I would live a rather normal daily life, except when waves of self-loathing would knock me down. I had never told anyone about my feelings and I tried dating as many girls as I could, but I was never really interested in them as I should. I felt really bad about all this, because I hate lies, and worse, I hate dragging people down with me because of my selfish mistakes. Today, my parents and friends know about me, and my relationship with them got better, because I don’t feel like a liar anymore. I have taken a different road than yours, but the older I get the more I wonder that yours is the right one. I hope God shows me how to act accordingly to His will and help me to achieve His plans for me. You’re a strong and brave man for accepting your cross. God sees it all. Good luck brother, and may I find the strength to be more lile you if God wants me to.

  5. junriel says:

    Hi, i understand your story, i may be straight guy but i love teen gays. be strong and and pray to God. 🙂

  6. paul arrieta says:

    Keep the faith, brother. I’ve come to realize after many fruitless relationships with both men and women that I’ll never have to suffer loneliness again, if I but keep my heart open to the Lord.

    You’re my hero, mate. May we keep each other in our prayers as we continue our journeys–never alone, but with God in our midst.

    “You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.” — St. Augustine

  7. Pat McArron says:

    Encourage you to visit the DignityUSA website. http://www.dignityusa.org

  8. David says:

    Hi! I’m David and well I’m in the situation where my parents and me are trying to get along with me being gay. So I support you but I hate it when my parents just bring up that “God is all mighty n that you’ll never know that he could change me” but I just want them to understand that I just want to be who I’m (gay) for once not knowing that I’m not supported by my parents. Thanks for sharing your story ☺️

  9. Emma says:

    I am bisexual woman and Catholic. I thank you for sharing your story and support you in your choices. Saying that, I want to share this with you. When I was in college, I fell in love with another woman and she fell in love with me. I was highly involved with my college parish and we both sang in choir. When I met, Anna*, she was dating a man and wasn’t aware of her sexuality. They broke up and a couple months later we found ourselves flirting. After several months, we started dating. We were lucky to belong to a accepting parish. I talked with both my priest and Catholic Chaplin about the relationship.

    We dated for three years and I loved, Anna very much. We did engage in sexual relations, but waited for a long time as I wanted to be sure it was for the right reasons and not just because of hormones. I don’t regret any of the relationship and feel blessed that I was able to love and be loved by someone.

    I’m telling you this because while we live in a world with tons of pressure and belong to a faith with certain views, I don’t believe being celibate is the answer for everyone. It wasn’t for me. I think it’s possible to have faith, sexuality, and be a good person. I’m telling you this so it may give you hope for something more someday. I think it is wrong that our Church dinies members of the LGBT community the same rights as a heterosexual couple. We are human and yet, we are to be hidden. I don’t think that’s right. I know it is possible to have a healthy relationship and faith. I wish our Church saw that as well.

    Now, if I have offended you I apologize. I wish you all the happiness.

    *name change for privacy.

  10. Nana says:

    Andrew, your story made me cry. I have a gay son and I love him dearly. I’m a devout catholic and if God decided for one of my children to be gay there is a reason for that. I really admire your decision. It shows a strong faith. Not everybody is born with faith as it is a gift from God. But, we all have the potential and ways to develop Faith. God Bless You!

  11. Sidney Lucey says:

    Andrew and I am so humbled by your faith and abandonment to God.
    Your Cross is especially difficult to bear but your heart is so open to God and He is obviously pouring out His grace on you to give you strength. Stay close to Him, be true to His word and you WILL gain that place where God “will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain.” God bless you and keep you always.

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