I am in high school, was raised Catholic and attended church regularly. I no longer live with my parents (my household situation is bad) but instead live with a loving caretaker who nonetheless as an atheist has been little consolation on matters of faith.
I have been Catholic since birth, but have seriously doubted before. When I was in eighth grade, I attempted to take my life, due to a combination of home and school problems and a general feeling of pointlessness in living. I nearly died but afterward had a reconnection with life and God. Slowly that connection has been waning, however. I also cannot help but feel that God is angry at me for denying life and attempting suicide. He must also be angry that I am straying from His path.
There is a boy at school I cannot stop thinking about in a carnal and romantic way. We used to be on bad terms with one another, even got into some fistfights, but even then when our bodies touched I felt strange inside. Now I know why. We are good friends and hang out a lot now, but I can’t help but feel that this happiness is sent by Satan to tempt me. He is so thoughtful, so sweetly melancholy. It doesn’t help that he’s also built like a swimsuit model. I think he is straight, and time and time again I have tried to disappear my desire for him. But it never goes away. I also feel a strong desire to masturbate, intensified perhaps by the revelation that what I lusted after all along was men.
I cannot pin down what exactly clued me into my being gay; it is mostly my feelings for this boy and a realization that I has never been interested in girls. A few months ago, before I realized I was gay, my best friend asked me out. She is my age, smart, confident, and attractive, the best girlfriend anyone could want. But I felt absolutely no desire and both of us were unhappy. Shortly after, we broke up. I do not think I can fulfill my role of loving a woman.
I hate myself. Every time I even think about this boy, I feel dirtier and dirtier. What should I do? Should I strive for a celibate gay lifestyle? God tells us to be fruitful and multiply, so I should get married and bear children. But how can I do that when I already know I cannot make a wife happy?