Feeling Dirty and Confused

By Ren

I am in high school, was raised Catholic and attended church regularly. I no longer live with my parents (my household situation is bad) but instead live with a loving caretaker who nonetheless as an atheist has been little consolation on matters of faith.

I have been Catholic since birth, but have seriously doubted before. When I was in eighth grade, I attempted to take my life, due to a combination of home and school problems and a general feeling of pointlessness in living. I nearly died but afterward had a reconnection with life and God. Slowly that connection has been waning, however. I also cannot help but feel that God is angry at me for denying life and attempting suicide. He must also be angry that I am straying from His path.

There is a boy at school I cannot stop thinking about in a carnal and romantic way. We used to be on bad terms with one another, even got into some fistfights, but even then when our bodies touched I felt strange inside. Now I know why. We are good friends and hang out a lot now, but I can’t help but feel that this happiness is sent by Satan to tempt me. He is so thoughtful, so sweetly melancholy. It doesn’t help that he’s also built like a swimsuit model. I think he is straight, and time and time again I have tried to disappear my desire for him. But it never goes away. I also feel a strong desire to masturbate, intensified perhaps by the revelation that what I lusted after all along was men.

I cannot pin down what exactly clued me into my being gay; it is mostly my feelings for this boy and a realization that I has never been interested in girls. A few months ago, before I realized I was gay, my best friend asked me out. She is my age, smart, confident, and attractive, the best girlfriend anyone could want. But I felt absolutely no desire and both of us were unhappy. Shortly after, we broke up. I do not think I can fulfill my role of loving a woman.

I hate myself. Every time I even think about this boy, I feel dirtier and dirtier. What should I do? Should I strive for a celibate gay lifestyle? God tells us to be fruitful and multiply, so I should get married and bear children. But how can I do that when I already know I cannot make a wife happy?

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6 Responses to Feeling Dirty and Confused

  1. Thomas Quaresima says:

    Dear friend in Christ,
    I have sincere love and concern for your perspective. You are made in God’s image, and He loves you. Jesus commanded you to love yourself, not hate yourself. “Love others as yourself”
    Jesus is the King of Love. He is spotless. We are not. For this, we as men, as gay men can love Him. Jesus was tempted and tried in every way by satan, so do not think you are any different from Jesus in this walk in life. I hear such anger, confusion, and self hatred in your voice, and I am quite familiar with this. It is better for you to listen to Jesus and His Voice then listen to your own self centered hatred. I mean this with no disrespect. Satan would love nothing more than for you to do his job for him towards yourself. You are a Soldier for Christ, dear friend, so do not be afraid, but take heart, and recover the Joy of Christ by allowing Him to Triumph in your being. Remember, men make rules, but Jesus performs Miracles, and your life, is one of those miracles. God bless you.
    -Thomas

  2. Anthony says:

    The lord Almighty will see you. Always pray against any such feelings towards your boyfriend. You can come out of this brother. There is no mountain insurmountable with Christ Jesus.

  3. anonymous says:

    You are an amazing person, no matter what you are!

    You are a proud catholic i believe, i myself too! why do you have to feel dirty? you are not dirty at all! Keep praying God will find you a way! never be ashamed of who you are!

  4. James says:

    Dear brother! God is not mad at you! He feels your pain, He understands even when no one else does. I know that it’s hard, but He never gives us a burden that we cannot bear. He is with you every step of the way. Don’t let yourself feel guilt and shame about this. I know that, since there is often so much misunderstanding from friends and family even within the Church, it’s really hard not to, but it isn’t your fault that you have these feelings! I think God wants you to know that He is proud of you for fighting this in the middle of a culture in which you could be happy and fulfilled as an active gay man (as most Christian men who realize they have homosexual feelings end up doing). You are one of the few who, even though you slip and fall at times, have remained faithful to The Lord and His Word, even when it doesn’t make sense and requires something as difficult and excruciatingly painful as giving up sex. I mean, as guys, that’s more or less our deepest natural passion! I’m in the same boat dude. I feel you pain, and, believe me, God does too. Know you’re not alone and that it will all be worth it in the end. In Mark 10:29-30 Jesus says that if we give up anything for Him, we will be rewarded. He’s asking you to give up your sexuality, and that’s hard! But know it will be worth it in the end and that He’s with you every step of the way. You are loved!

  5. Mason says:

    Please don’t stray from your heart because I feel that’s where God speaks to us at least that’s how I hear him/her (how could they have known if God even had gender). God is love so anything that comes from love comes from God. Follow your heart and do everything with love and you will consequently do everything with God.

    Don’t get too hung up on straight boys though. You can find a gay man who can share his love of God with you and love you as you love him. It’s whole lot of love and that can exist.

    I love you and wish you all the happiness in the world and hours upon hours of cuddling with the one you find to be your partner in the faith.

  6. Nate Watkins says:

    Please don’t listen to James. He’s selling snake oil. He’s only making you feel worse about yourself. He is inducing a Stoic mentality in you. Plutarch said that the Stoics, like James, “in their works and acts cling to the things that are in conformity with nature as good things and objects of choice, but in word and speech they reject and spurn them as indifferent and useless and insignificant for happiness” and that to live like this is to live like “those who are leaping from the ground and tumbling down on it again” (something “even though you slip and fall at times” very much indicates).

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