Crisis of Faith

Posted by: Jane

I’ve never done this before, and I’m not sure how my family would react to me doing this. I come from a very large and very devout Catholic family, and I identify as being a lesbian. I’m 22 and about to graduate college, and I have a loving girlfriend. To be honest, tonight was the first time I have been to Mass in months, and it’s been over four years since I’ve been to confession. I am afraid to go, and tonight I knew I couldn’t receive the Eucharist and so I sat back as my family went up, and I almost collapsed into tears. I am home for Thanksgiving, and I know as soon as I go back to school, I probably won’t go to church.

I cannot bring myself to believe that God would make us this way–to love another human being, regardless if they are of the same sex, and then ask us to lock that part of us away. If we are made in His image- are we not reflective of His endless love? My girlfriend, “Sally” is Methodist, and she just doesn’t get it. I feel like I am being pulled in two- my faith or the woman I love. Although I have not talked about my relationship with my family, they know. My parents would never disown me (praise God) but I hate this awkward tension, and I am utterly afraid I will be forced to choose between my family and faith, and the love I bear for this woman. She has stood by me for the last four years, and I feel just as passionate for her and I do for the Lord during adoration. I find comfort in her arms as I do in the stillness of a church on Christmas morning.

I believe in everything the Apostle’s Creed says, but I cannot fathom why we are made to live half a life. If I have offended anyone in this post, please reach out to me. I do not mean to hurt anyone with what I have said. These are just thoughts as to how I have been feeling.

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6 Responses to Crisis of Faith

  1. SheWhoGathersRoses says:

    Thank you for sharing your feelings.
    I can relate to a lot of what you said, minus the girlfriend part.

    “I cannot bring myself to believe that God would make us this way–to love another human being, regardless if they are of the same sex, and then ask us to lock that part of us away.”
    This is something I, myself, wonder on a daily basis. The struggle is taxing, and I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to hold off. It’s as if I see happiness in the horizon but I am forbidden from getting any closer.

    So I just stand here, waiting–alone– and for what?

  2. Ellen Cassidy says:

    Hi Jane. your words touched me, as do many of the posts on this site. I find the heartache and conflict so sad. let me tell you a little about why I am responding. I am a writer ( straight, 50, married catholic with 2 boys). The current story I am working on is going to feature some of this struggle you, and others, are talking about. specifically, I am creating a closeted, deeply catholic lesbian ( a supporting character). about your age, similar circumstances. I want to make this person as authentic (and sympathetic) as possible. I’m wondering if you’d be willing to have some dialogue via email with me? I understand confidentiality concerns…but it would be so helpful to me to hear more of your story.

  3. Rudy says:

    Hi Jane, I recently have been going back to church since October of 2015 and that came about by having a couple icons that needed to be blessed. My partner of almost 20 years and Presbyterian, went along with me and he liked the liturgy so much we’ve been going ever since. I grew up Roman Catholic and like the Byzantine rites and so does he however, he said that if we were going to tithe with this church we’d have to ask the priest if we would be accepted as a gay couple. I spoke with father over the phone and he said yes but that there was a hitch and that would be not being able to receive communion. That hit my very soul like a punch to the gut and after I hung up, I wept.
    Out of respect for this priest(I can’t expect him to break his vows)who is a very nice man, I will not receive communion there but certainly will do so at any other church! Nobody is going to keep me from receiving the Body and Blood of Our Lord simply because GOD created me this way, I don’t recall anywhere in the Last Supper that Christ said, take and eat and drink except any man or woman who is gay!
    I’m not a radical but unlike those who chose to get a divorce and also forbidden from taking the Eucharist, I didn’t have a choice to be gay! So why should I be penalized, I didn’t walk away from anything sacred! I too have not told my loving family but they know my roommate of 20 yrs is more than that, 😉 I’m about to open up though because we do want to get married for legal reasons and want them there if they choose to attend.
    I know I’ve rambled on but I will pray for you and ask that you do the same for me. GOD is good, it’s some of the politics of the church that man inserted that just don’t make sense.

    • Jeff says:

      I will not pretend that I know what God’s exact plan is for us, but I can tell you that we are all called to be chaste. We cannot have sexual relations with people of the same sex and be upset that we can’t receive Communion. That is what the Catholic Church teaches. Now, of you have a problem with that, you can’t just warp the Catholic Church to be whatever you would like it to be. The great thing is, and the reason why so many join the Catholic Church, is that it recognizes God’s true mercy, and we can exercise it through confession. Please, everybody, God loves you more than you can know. It’s difficult to understand why we would have these gay desires and not be aloud to act upon them, but we are called to trust in God. Every man and woman is called to a life of chastity, we as gays may just have to live it out a little differently. Good bless!

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